


Alien Hunting is One Hell of a Surprise, Baby

by JayTDawgzone9999



Category: Space ☆ Dandy, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Aliens, Distant future, F/M, Female Reader, Foursome, Foursome - F/M/M/M, Future, Future Fic, Multi, No Spaceships Were Harmed in the Making of This Fic, Outer Space, Reader-Insert, Self-Indulgent, Smut, space, technology problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 01:04:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayTDawgzone9999/pseuds/JayTDawgzone9999
Summary: In the far-flung distant future after the pillar men accomplished their goal and became ultimate beings, you end up on a very unusual planet during an alien hunting trip and you find three very unusual men.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-working of another fic I wrote with the same premise, but with all of the three main pillar men instead of just Kars.

"Rejected." 

"What?" you asked, confused as to why your latest bounty hadn't been up to snuff. 

The glasses-wearing redheaded woman behind the desk wore an emotionless look on her face as she explained that the juvenile Gigatronian you had captured was not, in fact, rare at all, as there were over 50 million of its kind in the universe. 

"Aw, dammit." You sighed, frustrated at the prospect of knowing your bank account wouldn't be getting any bigger. 

"Well, better luck next time." she told you after pressing a button that released your capture back into space. 

You left the alien registration center burnt-out and dejected, deciding to heal your psychological discomfort by jamming out to some groovy tunes on your spaceship while you headed to the nearest planet with a grocery store to get some snacks. 

By the time you got there and stocked up your spaceship with a reasonable amount of tasty treats, you felt better, having forgotten all about your latest screw up until you saw a sign posted near some abandoned housing complex mentioning an 100,000,000,000 million woo-long reward for capturing a super rare alien that was rumored to be the only one of its kind in the entire universe. 

"What the...is this legit?" you wondered, grabbing the sheet of paper, ripping it off the side of the building. "Well, I'll keep this and see if I hear anything else about it later." you decided, getting back on your spaceship. 

Before you shut the door, though, (since it took you a moment to put all your food in your spaceship's food storage unit, a slight breeze blew another piece of paper by your feet. When you went to pick it up, you saw that it read the following: "Super rare ancient alien spotted on a far away semi-aquatic plant in the milky way galaxy. Anyone able to capture this amazingly powerful creature will be guaranteed a hefty reward in addition to financial compensation to the tune of 100,000,000,000 million woo-longs." 

You compared the second sheet of paper to the first one and the information, as vague as it was, matched despite both pieces of paper having been typed out in different fonts and both pieces of paper being different colors and sizes and having additional translations in different languages, suggesting that they came from different areas. 

"Well, it's a bit unusual, but if more than one person has caught wind of this, then...." your thoughts were busy running all over your brain...

"But still...." 

You glanced at both sheets of paper again. 

"100,000,000,000 million woo-longs-" Suddenly, your adrenaline leapt into overdrive, your heart as giddy as if you had just won tickets to see your ten favorite bands in concert together. 

"100,000,000,000 million woo-longs! So. Many. Zeroes!!!!!!" You whooped, jumping in the air in excitement. "I don't know if this is true, and the info is vague, but hell if I'm letting this chance go to waste! Get in my bank account, woo-longs!" You cheered as you set off towards the milky way galaxy. 

You made it to the milky way galaxy in a decent amount of time, but once you got there, you realized finding a semi-aquatic planet would be more difficult than it sounded. It was times like these when you really wished you had been able to afford installing an updated universal map system-the multiplanetary equivalent of a GPS-in your ship, but there was no use crying over spilled milk now, you supposed. 

"Well, talk about a challenge." you thought. "Now I gotta spend all this time looking for a planet with-" 

A sudden loud beep cut off your train of thought. 

"Shit, what's happening?" you yelled when your ship's warning system started beeping. 

"Attention, the fuel levels are at 5%. Repeat, the fuel levels are at 5% Please find a refueling station within 10 minutes,- 10 minus 0, 9 minus 59, 9 minus 58, 9 minus 57...." your ship's warning system let you know, starting to count down while the emergency flares started flashing. 

"Shit, fuck, this is bullshit, I filled my tank a week ago, dammit!" you yelled, slamming a nearby book on a table. "There's no refueling station for another 1,000 kilometers, I'll never make it!" you yelled, speeding as fast as possible out of instinct rather than logic. Then again, you figured, maybe there was a slim chance you could get out of this disaster. 

"5 minus 47, 5 minus 46, 5 minus 45...." the system continued. 

"Come on, come on, come on, don't die on me you bucket of bolts!" you begged your ship, zooming across the milky way galaxy as fast as possible. "Please let there be a refueling station, please let there be a refueling station, please let there be a refueling station-" 

A sudden meteor bumping the side of your ship knocked you out of your panicked chant right into even more panic as your ship's warning system started beeping louder.

"Attention, attention, system failure imminent, engine damage incurred T minus 15 seconds ago, system failure imminent, please evacuate the ship-" 

Before you could react, you saw a green and blue planet rushing up to meet you and your dying ship. 

"System failure commencing, system failure commencing, please evacuate-" 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

________

When you stopped falling, you were surprisingly unharmed, as a massive tree broke your fall, stopping you a mere foot from the ground, the absolutely enormous plant being dense enough to slow down your fall to the speed of a very slow, very old car; stopping completely before you fell to the ground.

"Well, this is-" 

A sudden creaking sound and the snapping of a tree branch made your survival instinct kick in, so you rolled over until you were well out of the way, realizing that the ground was not as hard as you had expected it to be. 

"Woah, this sure is a weird planet." you mumbled to yourself when you stopped rolling, wondering what the three large shadows looming over you were until you looked up and saw three large, muscular men staring down at you. 

They were all half naked and extremely well built to boot, and they looked a little too odd to be human. To be honest, they were quite attractive. 

"Wow, well, who would have thought I'd find three hot guys here, when I was coming down, I thought this planet was deserted." 

You realized too late that you had accidentally spoken your thoughts out loud and though your translator had been turned off, the men seemed to understand you, judging by their varied reactions. 

The one with long purple hair smirked, chuckling for a moment while he eyed you with a certain interest, the one with curly white hair started laughing, and the serious looking one with blond hair looked a bit confused. 

"Though the climate is warm here, that is a mistake, our bodies are well-acclimated to this temperature-" the serious one started until the white haired one put an arm around his shoulder. 

"Oi, Wamuu, that's not a literal expression-that little human's trying to tell us she finds up physically appealing." 

The one called Wamuu looked mortified when he realized his mistake; clearing his throat and started to open his mouth to respond before the white-haired one kept on going. "Hah, don't feel so embarrassed, it's been a while since you've seen a human, after all. It's been a while for all of us, although Kars and and I have a bit more experience than you do with this sort of thing." 

The white haired one chuckled like had told the world's best joke while Kars (the one with purple hair, you realized,) didn't look particularly emotional once he turned his attention to his friends. 

"Oh God, did I just say that out loud-I can't-how come they understood me?" you thought, your face heating up when you accidentally made eye contact with Wamuu. 

The more you both looked at each other, the more embarrassed you both felt, though you felt unable to look away. After several seconds, it was beginning to get to be too much, but your shared embarrassment was interrupted when the white-haired one slapped Wamuu's back.

"She's cute, isn't she, Wamuu? It's okay, you can admit it to me, you know. Why don't you say something to her?" 

"Master Esidisi-I-I don't know if-" Wamuu started before Esidisi interrupted him again. 

It wasn't too hard to pick up on the relationship dynamics between the three of them even after only just meeting them- what you observed tipped you off to the fact that these men had known each other for quite a long time and also that there was something more going on than you could really pick up on, that much was obvious. 

"Oh, come on, we're practically invincible now, what are you afraid of? Go on and talk to her, I could tell you like her if I was as blind as a bat." 

"Leave him be, Esidisi, you know how shy he gets when sees humans that catch his interest." Kars told him. 

"Lord Kars, I meant no disrespect-" Wamuu started, getting interrupted yet again. 

"Don't be foolish, Wamuu, you did nothing wrong." Kars reassured him before turning to face you once again; ignoring Esidisi laughing in what seemed like a good-natured way at Wamuu and Wamuu stammering out an unnecessary apology. 

"At any rate," Kars started, nodding his head when he glanced back at his friends to get their attention. "It seems we have a decision to make concerning our little visitor." 

His tone of voice made you feel no less embarrassed than before, the smooth, seductive way in which he spoke sending familar sparks through your body. 

"Now, little one, how about you tell us how you found us. You won't have any problems explaining in thorough detail, will you?" Kars asked you while his friends looked one. 

You had no problem answering, although even if you had, you would have answered anyways-though his voice was as smooth as butter, it lacked a certain depth of emotion that most people had, suggesting that it would be unwise to deny his request. Taking a deep breath, you hoped your voice wouldn't give out on you. 

"Well, here goes nothing." you thought. 

It took a while, but you managed to tell them the entire story, including a thorough description of your job and why you took it, how your spaceship crashed, and the fact that since you had no fuel, you couldn't leave even if you somehow were able to extract your wrecked spaceship from the tree it was stuck in. What surprised you was that despite looking more than strong enough to do so, none of them made a single move to hurt you even upon hearing that you captured rare life forms like them for your living, although you were also sure to mention that once you took rare life forms that you captured to the alien registration, they were never harmed and they were also immediately let go after an employee jotted down some notes about them. 

When it was all over, you swallowed hard, hoping no harm would come to you but also realizing and accepting that it was a very real possibility. 

"So, uh, I know it might sound a bit unpleasant, but there you have it. Hopefully you won't kill me, but if you do, please make it quick." you added, tensing up a bit just in case one of them was going to do the deed just then. 

You heard a rather undignified snort, followed by a steady stream of laughter-Esidisi was by far the loudest, but they all joined in, even Wamuu, who chuckled a little. 

"Kill you? Why would we? If you wanted to try anything stupid, you would have done so already." Kars told you. "It was obvious as soon as we saw you, little human. We've lived more than long enough to read you humans like books. You would never have made out of that ship of yours if you had any suspicious motives." 

"That being said," Esidisi added. "It's been a hell of a long time since we've seen any of your kind, so to be entirely honest, we're not quite up to speed on what you little runts have been up to. I have a feeling you have plenty more interesting stories where that one came from." 

"Agreed." Kars replied, and Wamuu gave a slight nod. "Human or otherwise, it's been quite a long time since we've had any company worth talking to." Kars went on. "Or worth doing other things with, for that matter." 

The last several words brought a knowing grin to Esidisi's face, while Wamuu gazed at you with a mix of caution and curiosity. Combined with the tone of Kars's voice, it didn't take long for you to put two and two together. They were three men who had apparently not seen any other sentient living beings in an unknown amount of time and you were a young woman all by yourself. You doubted it was the case, but if they had any bad intentions at this point, you thought, you kept a certain pill on your person at all times that could be swallowed dry that would put an immediate and permanent end to the situation should you find yourself in certain types of circumstances. Since you lived and traveled by yourself, and given the risks of your line of work, it only made sense to take such a precaution. 

Though you were naturally never too hasty in trying to figure these sorts of things out, given the fact that the expression in their eyes matched the expressions on their faces when they spoke to you, as well as the long amount of time you had spent talking to them while they listened patiently, you felt safe enough to feel that option was unnecessary. 

"You seem concerned about something. Is there anything you would like to say?" Wamuu unexpectedly (or perhaps not so unexpectedly-he seemed more thoughtful and cautious than his friends, after all,) offered. 

"Oh-uh, no, I'm fine. My mind was just wandering, that's all. It's been a long day for me, as I'm sure you can tell from what I told you." you answered. 

Kars glanced at you for a moment, as if deciding whether you were telling the truth. He seemed to make up his mind quickly, as he soon gave you a more inviting look that said it all. "I imagine it would be. But it's not too difficult to forget all about that for a while if you're in the right mood, of course." 

Somewhere inside your brain, sirens were going off, communicating to you the supremely embarrassing yet flattering feeling of being propositioned so boldly by three terribly handsome strangers you had just met. It took a moment for you to react when Esidisi sauntered over towards you. "He's right, you know, and we're certainly not lacking for time." he added. 

"I suppose I'm not either. Considering what happened with my ship and all." you replied, feeling the need to fill the brief gap of silence with something. You would be lying if you said they weren't all very interesting men, but you had no experience having this many men pay this sort of attention to you at the same time. You were no celebrity or object of fame, after all, just a normal woman looking to pay your bills, nothing more, nothing less. 

As he spoke, Kars and Wamuu stepped closer to you as well; Wamuu observing you silently while Kars stroked your face with his hand. 

"Cute, isn't she, Wamuu?" Kars asked him, knowing full well what his friend thought. 

"You have a certain charming quality to you." Wamuu agreed. "And you seem like an interesting person." 

"I-do?" 

The sudden, very sincere compliments sent your poor brain into overdrive, causing all your thoughts to race and your heart to pound like a drum. 

"Wamuu has a good eye for these sorts of things." Kars assured you, which did nothing to dampen the growing heat sparking inside you. 

"Well, it seems no matter what else we many disagree on, we all have the same taste in women." Esidisi added, the light dancing in his eyes suggesting a certain very obvious form of excitement. 

"Indeed it does, Esidisi." Kars said, turning his gaze back to you after speaking to him. "Since there are three of us and one of you, we'll have to think a little outside the box. Don't worry, you'll enjoy every bit of it." he paused a moment to rub the bottom of your lip with the pad of his thumb. "So what do you say?" 

Well, you made it this far, you thought, and so far, things seemed pretty okay. Maybe even more than okay. 

"I think that sounds like a great idea." you replied. 

What the hell, you thought, you ran out of fuel and crashed your spaceship on a strange planet with even stranger men (who happened to be very attractive and showed an obvious interest in you,) might as well take advantage of one hell of a surprise when the opportunity presented itself. 

"Good, looks like we'll all have a very entertaining night then." Kars replied, pulling you closer to him to push a strand of hair out of your face.


	2. Chapter 2

The building they used as their current living space was a bit on the smaller side, but surprisingly nice and cozy.  
There was a very comfortable looking bed (well, whatever it was, it looked like a bed, so that was good enough for you) in the largest room, and when Kars picked you up and sat you on it, you took a moment to feel the soft, smooth surface you were seated on; brushing your hand across it. Your mind wandered a bit, wondering how the hell they fit it in the room (the doorway seemed a bit too narrow, now that you noticed,) until Kars rubbed the bottom of your lip; his eyes lighting up with amusement when the warm feeling in your face made your eyes widen. 

"So many possibilities. I don't suppose you've ever had an opportunity like this one before?" The way he asked made it sound like he already knew the answer, but you replied anyways. 

"Uh, no, I can't say I have, so honestly, I have no idea what to do. It's all new to me." you told him. 

Kars wasn't the type of person who was easy to feel comfortable around, considering how attractive he was and how flustered it made you feel, but you knew you weren't in danger-you knew they were all plenty strong enough that, had they wanted to, they would have gotten rid of you in the blink of an eye.  
To that end, you let yourself enjoy that lightning hot buzz that coursed through your veins when he shoved his fingers in your mouth while Esidisi and Wamuu looked on; your instinct prompting you to start sucking on them. He had rather long fingers, but he made sure not to shove them in far enough to hurt, and it was surprisingly pleasant. 

"Hmm, you respond nicely-I think this will work out perfectly." he remarked, flashing you a wicked grin while he took off his clothes, Esidisi and Wamuu quickly following suit. 

Given how little they wore, it took them almost no time at all, and since you weren't wearing anything complicated yourself-just a pair of shorts and a shirt-you did the same, laying your clothes in a neat pile on the floor. They gave you no warning before joining you on the bed-the truth was, you were surprised the bed held the weight of all four of you, but you didn't bother questioning it too much, especially not when Kars tossed a pillow behind your head-the implication was obvious and moved right in front of you-so you lied down, taking a quick glance at the ceiling before scooting back a little to get a better view of all of them-it didn't look like any ceiling you had ever seen before, but you supposed it didn't matter. 

"Well, damn!" Esidisi whistled to show his appreciation before continuing, groping one of your breasts while you held his wrist in response. His skin was pleasantly warm, you decided. "You're a really cute little thing. I have a feeling you'll be a lot of fun." 

He then turned to Wamuu, who looked a bit flustered (though not nearly as flustered as you felt,) letting go of you for a moment. "Oi, Wamuu, what do you think? You like what you see, don't you?" 

Wamuu ignored his comment, staring at you with deep interest. 

"You're very beautiful." he told you, stroking the side of your face while Kars held one of your legs, stroking it like a guitar. 

"You better be careful with him," Esidisi laughed. "He can be a bit of a stick in the mud sometimes, but he'll charm the hell out of you if he likes you." 

Wamuu flashed him a look that made it obvious that despite it getting on his nerves a bit, he tolerated his friend's joking around and it was a regular feature of their relationship before Esidisi started groping you again. 

It had felt a bit cool since you took your clothes off and his hands were pleasantly warm, so you didn't mind one bit. 

"I'm not exactly picky about size, but this size is probably my favorite." he told you, squeezing a little while Kars stopped stroking your leg to start kissing you up it at a frustratingly slow pace. 

Your face might as well have been as warm as an oven, considering how hot and bothered you felt right now, and once you secretly pinched yourself to make sure you weren't dreaming, you took it as a sign that the rest of the night was going to be a blast. 

It was a little hard to breathe at first, but you soon discovered that Wamuu was just as careful and cautious of a man as he seemed-although you were sucking on his cock, holding the base of it with one hand, while Kars ate you out and you used your free hand to stroke Esidisi, Wamuu stayed still, not moving his hips so as not to risk choking you. He was about 2 or 3 inches bigger than what would comfortably fit in your mouth, not that you cared-it fit well enough to get the job done, so to speak, and that seemed to be just fine for him, his slightly unfocused gaze and the sound of his heavy breathing making you well aware of that, or as much as you could be, considering your circumstances. 

Kars definitely knew what he was doing-he didn't just stick his tongue down there and move it around in a haphazard fashion to get it over with, he took his sweet time, hitting all the right spots at just the right time to send stars dancing behind your eyes-your vision was a bit blurry after about a minute or so, but you had no reason to believe he would let you pass out-the whole thing was his idea in the first place, after all, and even if it was hard to concentrate or focus on anything, no way in hell would you ever forgive yourself if you took a rain check due to sudden unconsciousness and risk cutting the night short. You didn't almost crash your ship and die after speeding through half a dozen galaxies before getting here for nothing, after all-you may not have found the rare alien you were looking for, but you figured this was at least just as good, and you weren't about to let any of it go to waste. 

Your head was swimming in God knows what, all fuzzy and everything as foggy as hell (which, had you been more with it, you would have realized was also partly due to not eating for several hours,) but you were enjoying yourself like never before-you only hoped your long term memory would stay intact for the rest of your life so you could always look back on this for, er, mental reference later. 

Kars was good with his tongue, as you got to fully understand for several minutes, or maybe a bit more (it was pretty hard to think, after all,) but that wasn't all he was talented with, as you had the almost immediate pleasure of realizing when he stopped to spread your legs apart, Wamuu moving away from you to give Esidisi the chance to be in his position-he had yet to finish, but he was considerate enough to let Esidisi do to you what he had done to you-you weren't about to complain-after all, it made no difference to you which one of them you sucked off and which one of them had you use your free hand instead. 

Besides, you thought, anyone who took his friend's feelings into consideration enough to do what Wamuu just did would certainly be considerate enough to make sure you felt no pain and enjoyed yourself. 

After spreading your legs apart, Kars wasted no time in grabbing onto them as he thrust into you-had your mouth not been otherwise occupied, you would have let out an excited, girly shriek-this was, by far, the most interesting night you've ever had with any men you'd ever met, to put it one way.  
It was a little difficult to adjust to the rhythm at first, but Kars started out slow, and you soon got the hang of it, finding that perhaps multitasking was not such a horrible thing after all like you had always felt it was. 

"She's got such a cute face, doesn't she?" Esidisi said to Kars (or Wamuu, or perhaps both of them, you couldn't exactly get a good look at which direction he was looking in from your angle.) 

"She certainly does-what do you think, Wamuu?" Kars replied, pausing for a moment while Wamuu gave no verbal response, letting a nod in Kars's direction suffice instead. Wamuu seemed a bit more reserved than his friends, after all, you thought when you didn't hear any words from him. "Do you like the way she looks at you? I happen to think that look she has on that face of hers is quite the sight."

Kars must have noticed you had shifted your gaze towards him when he spoke, because he gave you a horribly smoldering look that made you feel like you had turned into a blob of jelly. "Oh, don't be so shy, pet-" he told you, giving Esidisi a nod that let him know to take his cock out of your mouth for a second. "You really look so cute like this." he shoved his fingers in your mouth again-his fingers tasted a bit better than what had just been in your mouth, but in truth, you found that sucking Esidisi off (as well as sucking Wamuu off before that,) was more arousing than you had ever thought sucking someone off could possibly be. You did notice that for whatever reason, they had no hair down there, but that wasn't the whole reason why, of course. It helped, yes, however odd it was to admit that to yourself, but there was more to it than that, as the heat coiling in your inner core and the slickness between your legs attested to.

Somewhat more odd but no less arousing was the fact that the heat inside you bloomed even more when Wamuu and Esidisi got right in your face in a very up close and personal way, each of them allowing you to take turns sucking them-it was the first time you had ever done anything like this-switching between the both of them every few seconds or so while Kars kept on pounding you, soon choosing to ignore his friends completely while he chased his own orgasm; his hands gripping your thighs while he slammed his hips against yours with hard, brutal snaps, making the bed frame creak now and then.

Due to some nigh-unexplainable phenomenon that occurred without warning, you soon found yourself sucking both Wamuu and Esidisi off at the same time-for a few very bizarre seconds that did not seem to fully mesh with reality, you managed to take about three inches of them both in your mouth at the same time-your hands gripped the base of each of their shafts and somehow your tongue just moved on its own, your mind kicking into gear without you even being aware of it.

And just as soon as it had started, it was over, Esidisi pulling out in favor of finishing on your face-given his laundry list of eccentricities, it didn't surprise you in the least, and to be quite honest, it was hotter than you had previously thought such a thing could be-at any rate, you could always wash your face later, you reasoned.

Wamuu, still courteous and careful even in the middle of his own climax, pulled out right before he finished and pumped out his own orgasm just far enough away not to get even a single drop of anything on you. There really were all kinds of people in the universe, you reasoned, your thoughts cutting off right there as Kars slammed his hips right against you one final time with an especially deep thrust as he finished, knocking any creeping hint of thought right out of your brain as he clung onto your waist hard enough to leave bruises on either side of you, a low, breathy sort of moan escaping from your lips as he filled you; your pussy clenching around his cock harder than you ever thought possible.

When he pulled out of you, a mix of your fluids and his leaked out-you were glad whatever sort of sheets were on the bed were some plain pale color that would hide the stains. Odd, but hey, brains were weird things, and you had a lot of experience with weird things. 

"Well, you certainly did a good job, I'm surprised you were able to take us all so well." Esidisi remarked, handing you something to wipe your face off with. "With a little practice, you could do all sorts of things."

"Yes, you were quite entertaining, little one. I certainly wouldn't mind passing the time like this again in the future." Kars added while Wamuu gently brushed some of your damp hair out of your face.

You couldn't help but agree with them. Other things, like whether you would ever be able to fix your spaceship, for example, could wait a little while, you decided as you felt the peaceful comfort of sleep gently washing over you, slowly lulling you into unconsciousness.   
Either way, if you had ever regretted your career choice before, that was behind you out without a doubt now. 

"I could say the same thing about all of you." you replied. " But I don't think I'm going to be very entertaining right now, though, I'm pretty tired." 

"There's plenty of time to rest, don't worry about it." Esidisi offered, tossing you a blanket. 

You held it for a moment, considering whether you were cool enough to use it, soon deciding that it wouldn't hurt. 

As you drifted off to sleep, all the business and aggravation of your day that occurred before meeting them melted away, your brain soon allowing you to float right into a satisfying sleep filled with wonderful dreams.


End file.
